On Sunday I was cleaning up my apartment, and decided the two Netflix DVDs sitting on top of the stereo had been here long enough (unwatched) – so I packaged them up and on Monday dropped them in the mailbox on my way to work.  I arrived home today to have two new DVDs waiting for me (the only type of mail incidentally that I actually get excited about).

I got upstairs to discover a copy of Avatar and Mad Men: Season 3, Disc 4.  Seeing as how the new season of Mad Men had started up – I was excited to catch-up.  The only problem was I couldn’t remember what in the world had happened on Disc 3, or even 2 for that matter.  “When was the last time I watched Mad Men?” I thought – as I recalled having a rather solid video-rental routine at one point.

I logged onto netflix.com – and checked my order history to find out.  It turned out the two videos I’d just sent back had originally arrived the first week of May.  A week later, my dear friend Kendra passed away.

Sometimes you don’t realize what you’re doing and what is happening until you recognize something is very out of place.  It appears my habits took a radical change that second week in May. I seem to recall that I was going to the gym every morning for five months prior.  I have been there four times since. The company was on a major up-swing in productivity and sales.  I’ve been apologizing WAY too much lately.

Weight loss… gone.
Financial stability… gone.
Structured life… very gone.

Now of course, it hasn’t been all bad.  In fact, it’s been quite good.  I can’t say I’m depressed – I got to go to Ireland with my Dad for two weeks on one of the great trips of my life.  But when you know the type of life you want to be living, and you suddenly discover you aren’t currently living it – it’s a jarring moment.  It’s not as if I’ve been laying on the couch growing a beard in the dark – quite the opposite.  This is probably a main reason I hadn’t realized just how far from the target I was. I was living in between – going through the motions and just sort of half existing.  Responsibilities seemingly lost meaning, and excuses seemed plentiful.  Never did I associate a starting point with any of this – the moment simply seemed as it was – that this is how I lived.

However – the first step is always the realization of what is occurring.  The Netflix incident opened my eyes and provided a moment of clarity – a glaring “this isn’t right” that made me wonder, how long has it been wrong? Suddenly other hints are starting to shine as I try to account for the past couple months.  Knowing the starting point helps clarify the mis-steps – but doesn’t always define a root cause. And certainly Kendra wouldn’t cut me much slack for a three month pity party – so no excuses there! There is some major clean-up ahead. However, the pathway back to where I want to be isn’t hard to find.  Occasionally tough to walk – and it’s understandable if personal tragedy slows down the pace. But time will not wait, and neither can I.

I miss you Kendra!

Filed under: Health, Homelife, Personal Life by gspies
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